hypocrisy

Hi. My name is Scott, and I’m a hypocrite.

It annoys me a great deal, because I see hypocrisy as an incredible weakness. I’m not keen on weakness, and generally try very hard to overcome those that I recognize in myself. For example, I try very hard to be open minded and tolerant of people - because being close minded is a weakness. Being selfish is weak - it’s too easy to focus on one’s self all the time. Lying is a weakness.

But isn’t hypocrisy just a form of lying? I’m lying to myself - and necessarily to others - by being a hypocrite. Sometimes it’s easy to recognize the hypocrisy. I enjoy a good conversation with my friends over a few pints of beer; but I am extremely negative towards people who say “I want to get drunk!”. Just because I don’t say it doesn’t mean that I won’t get drunk. And why is it okay for me to have one too many beers with my friends, but it’s not okay for someone else to do the same - and admit that that is their goal? Who am I to say that drinking to excess is necessarily a bad thing?

I’m also a hypocrite when it comes to my friends. I am fiercely loyal to my friends, and honestly extremely proud of all of them. As such, I want to introduce my friends to just about everyone I meet. Yet I am extremely hesistant to meet other peoples’ friends. And if one of my friends introduces me to someone new, I am very leery of them - almost as though they are a threat. Where do I get off introducing my friends and avoiding everyone elses?

While I am fond of all of my friends, I am also overly critical of their weaknesses. The very people who have helped me through some of the darkest moments of my life receive scorn and disdain when their lives falter from the impossible standard I strive for. If a friend participants in a sexual indiscretion, I am very let down and make very few bones about letting them know.

Conversely of course, it’s okay for me to experience such indiscretions. I can rationalize it to myself, and explain away all the wrong-doing. It’s a cardinal sin for my girlfriend to have made a few poor decisions in her youth, but I am defined by my ability to overcome my own bad decisions. The mistakes I made in my youth (and continue to make now) have helped me grow, and have given me tremendous insight into life. But a mistake from someone else affords them no room for growth or change.

I’ve recognized this weakness in myself for a long time, now. I’ve lost a few girlfriends as a result (and rightly so, in all honesty). I wrestle with it every now and again, and sometimes I feel like I actually make some progress. I accept people’s own capacity for change and growth. I accept the unique differences of people. I respect the goals and values of other people, no matter how foreign they are to me. But eventually, I end up back where I started - on some artificial high horse, and alone as a result. My observations of others suggests that I’m more or less alone on this one. I’m the harsh oddball, trying to force the world around me to conform to my expectations of it.

I wonder what I’m doing wrong. I wonder why I can’t just let people be people. The more I think about it, the more of an ass I feel. But somehow I always convince myself that by holding out for the ideal - by shooting for the stars - I’ll surround myself with a better caliber of people. I’ll trim back the riff-raff because they can’t handle the harsh decisions necessary to live in my world. In reality, though, I’m just driving away the people I really care about.

The handful of people that read this on a regular basis probably know most of this about me. And for one reason or another, they continue to be my friends. Do they know something I don’t? Are they patronizing me? The certainly seem to have better quality relationships than I do. They seem to be able to relate to others in a much more functional capacity. They don’t get worked up over things that happened long ago, and before they were a part of their significant other’s life.

I really don’t have any resolution for this little rant. I’m just thinking out load, so to speak. Questions, comments, criticism and concerns are welcome, as usual. Not that anyone will comment. I’ve had this little diatribe spot going for almost six months, and I’ve yet to receive any feedback from it.